Fuck Everything.

Once Upon A Time
She Fell In Love With The Wrong Person.
She Cried, Yelled, And Hit.
She Didn't Understand.
She Tried To Change.

Once Upon A Time
He Didn't Give A Shit Unless He Was Jelous.
He Lied And Pretended.
He Judged and Criticized.
He Never Tried.

Once Upon A Time
I Let It Go.
I Don't Hate Or Regret.
I Can Do It On My Own
Fuck Everything.

I Don't Think So.

Monday and Thursday. That's all that's been on my mind. I'm done with feeling shit for guys, done with getting hurt, so i had my fun those days. I did what i wanted to do , without getting feelings involved. I didn't feel anything, i don't feel anything. It's fucking great. I had my fun and i didn't have to answer to anyone, at all. Honestly, I'm better off on my own. Hookups, One-Night Stands, call them whatever you want, i call them my fun. It's kind of confusing though. Part of me likes having no feelings, but part of me wishes there were feelings involved. It feels like an incomplete story. Like there should be more but there isn't, to save ourselves the trouble. Like a story without a plot, without a purpose, just to waste time.  Like a car going around in circles without a destination, or anything different to be seen on the way. You know the way, its the same one, you know, but i guess sometimes you're scared to get off that circle and actually take a road. I know i am, last time i took a road it took me to a dead end, so i would rather drive around in circles, pretending I'm getting places. At least you have the security of knowing you won't be let down if you're not expecting anything. If you don't expect anything from anyone, you can't get hurt right. You can't be let down if you're already on the ground. As long as I know that I won't get hurt, I don't care what you have to say because you're not the one that has to feel the pain, or the fun. You're not me, so why should I care?

All Those Chances...

You know that one guy? The one i said i couldn't miss and the one that decided to ride my bus? Yeah well, thank god he messaged me to remind me what a fucking deuche he is. His new name is Dr. Faggot(: Now I know I don't want ANYTHING to do with him. I've said this before when we would be off but now I really mean it. I don't want to be his gf, his ex, his fuck buddy, his friend with benefits, his best friend, his friend, in fact I don't even want to be "Somebody That He Used To Know." I already hated his guts, but I believe him, over that bitch. She practically blamed him saying he was talking shit then he says that I was lying that she never said that. I still believed your ass over hers, but you can't right? Okaii then I hope you go die in a hole. I can't even stand him! With his little hoodie and the way he hides behind his friends. Ugh he's just like that little bitch. I  don't miss him, or the memories, I just miss all those chances I had to punch him in the face.

I Don't Need You.

I don't need your shit, the day was perfect until i got your stupid ass message telling me to "quit my shit." This song is exactly how I felt.

Since everybody knows what I need to do,
Do me a favor.
Lemme do me,
and you worry about you.

I don't need no one to put me down,
I'm on the ground,
Can't get much lower.

I Can Do Bad All By Myself.

I don't care if you care or not. I didn't ask you for your damn opinion. Worry about your own self before you come back into my life judging the choices I make and telling me what I can or cannot do. Oh but i can't tell you shit huh? I tell you something and you go off telling me to stay away from you. Asking me if I'm stalking your profile. bitch, please. You don't see me doing that when you come and ask me. Just stop being a little fucking douche, i swear every time I think I can finally walk around at peace without caring, you come with your little bullshit. I already asked you what I needed to ask you, because I didn't want to go confront that bitch with lies pulled out of my ass. That's it. I didn't ask for your take on this, or what I should do. I'll do what I please.

Hey, Hate You Too Bitch.

So guess who almost threw it down today? This girl right here! Oh man, but I couldn't afford to get in trouble, not at the school I'm at, so i actually thought about this before I did anything, because......well normally I don't think before I act....:S Anyways, it's this one little girl right, turns out the bitch don't even know me but she knows my life. Yeah, nice stories I hear, turns out I do things I didn't even know about. It's kinda sad though, even her "friends" don't like her. So today I accidentally bump into her...haha jk(x I purposefully bump into her, pretty hard actually, and she calls me a bitch. So I turn around and say "What?" She's all "I called you a bitch" and then I'm all "Come over here and say it!" So she starts walking toward me but then I realize I can't throw it down with my laptop in my hand so I see the nearest person to me is Victor, and i hand my laptop to him. This is the nice conversation we had:
Me: Okaii so why am I a bitch?
Bitch: Because you just bumped into me.
Me:Oh yeah? What about that one time you passed by me and called me a bitch after you passed me without having the decency to say it to my face? Why do you even call me anything at all?
Bitch: Because I've been hearing shit that you hate me and that you're saying all this shit.
Me: Oh really? From who?

And then she mentions HIM. I will not say his name, ill just put a nice little blank.

Bitch: From _____.
Me: Which one?
Bitch: ______ ___.

And then my mind explodes for a few seconds. All I'm thinking is WTF, WTF, WTF!? So I just push past her to go get my laptop from the bus Victor got on. My mind is spinning. Could he have said shit? Wait, can i even trust her? So I walk to Daisy and I like explode my explosion on her. I see my best friend's girlfriend, one of the girls that hangs out with her. I walk towards her because I want to know what I should believe. From what we talked about, this bitch thinks that she can talk all this shit and that no one will do anything, and when they do, she throws other people under the bus to save herself from the bullshit that she created. So....at this point I'm just going to talk to him and my best friend's girlfriend, know all the shit that she's said about me, and confront her. I don't know about fighting though, I hear she's a snitch, that she'll have my ass kicked out of school, or that she will just pussy out. Whatever, tomorrow I'm coming ready for WHATEVER goes down.

The 3 Cs(:

Okaii she was mad so she wanted to give her a box of condoms so she would laugh. SO SHE WOULD LAUGH, ITS A JOKE. But of course, here comes Mr.McShitSpit and decided to tell her cousin that it was because she thought she was a ho. She NEVER FUCKING SAID THAT. Stop putting ideas into her head and getting into our group. In our group we handle our problems alone with ourselves so stop, stop, STOP, getting involved. And even then you can't own up to your shit, you blame it on a devil inside of you. No there was no devil, it was you. I don't blame no devil, or an absent conscience for what i do i own up to that shit. Whatever, the point is you didn't know the reason for that box, but you went and opened your mouth. Idk if you're doing this to get closer to _____ because you like her, or making it seem like you like _____ by taking her side to make Daisy jealous, but quit your shit and stop meddling in beef. Oh yeah and by the way, when someone "talks shit" go use the 3 Cs please. Confront, Confirm, and Consent. Confront the "shit talker, confirm their story is right, then give consent to go on with their life(x

They'll Understand...

I put my favorite "Skins" quote on that picture because it means a lot to me. Most people think I really don't care what anyone thinks, and that I'm ignorant to people's feelings and shit like that. I don't think it's like that. This quote is pretty much my life story summed up in two sentences. It's not that i don't care, it's just the people that love you won't judge you, they will understand why you chose to do the things you did. Yeah, I do a lot of stupid shit and i do get away with most of it. My true friends know that I like the adrenaline you get from doing something bad, the attention I can get just by doing shit I feel like doing, they know me. They know I could care less what people think. Not only that, it goes both ways. I understand my friends too. I understand not all of them are into the rush of doing wrong. I know some think ahead, that they do care.I understand that I have friends that aren't comfortable doing things i do and that's alright. All I ask is that you understand my choices and why I make them. understand other people's too. Their choice's affect them, and even though you're trying to help them, let them be. If you'd don't like doing what they do, that's fine, but in the end it's their life and they can do whatever the fuck they want to do with it. They know what they're doing, and you do have a right to be worried, but they have a right to be independent too.

Never Good Enough

Atelophobia, this shit sounds like a fucking sickness. I think I might have it. I'm always thinking I'll never be good enough and I think that's the reason for my lack of motivation sometimes. Today my dad got mad because I was texting and he said I son't do things around the house. I had barely sat down after cleaning the kitchen and he was like "I know you do stuff around the house, but you need to do more." I know I'll never be good enough for my dad. I'm not his perfect, hardworking, straight A's student, daughter. I never will be. I think I've just kind of gotten used to the fact that i will probably never be good enough for him. In fact, I don't think I'm good enough for my family. My friends either. I honestly don't think I'm a good friend. I mean I've got loyalty down. That's the easiest part, because it's the only thing I would expect from a friend. But I always forget birthdays, and I suck at keeping up with their problems. I'm not a good enough sister, I know my sister Valeria feels excluded or even hated sometimes and i just don't know how to fix the way I act around her. I can't even be a good enough girlfriend. I'm not drama free. I'm certainly not pretty enough, my boobs are too big, my torso is too small, and my butt, its just a butt, nothing extraordinary, except for my 4'11 shortness. I kind of always just push that shit to the back of my mind. Like when I'm eating, and I know it's going to make me fatter. I try not to think about the fact that this will make me gain wait, or even worse, I will never have the perfect body so why worry right? With my dad, the way I make myself feel better about the fact that I'll never be good enough is that I kind of convince myself that I don't want to be his perfect daughter. That I'll never be able to be a straight A's student so why the fuck try. I tell myself that there is no perfection so why bother reaching it.

I Don't Care

I decided to put this picture up because it has to do with the crazy shit that happened to me yesterday. Yesterday was just off, like one of those days where you wake up in the morning and you're just like "Today is gunna be different, somethings gunna happen." I thought that when I got to straighten all of my hair in 20 min. when it usually takes me 40 min. Not only that, in the morning almost all of us went to the park, we talked had a smoke, whatever, then instead of taking the normal way out through the ditch, I remember there's a tunnel. I suggest going through the tunnel just playing but Brianna and Keily were like "Oh yeah, let's go through there!" So we go through tat tunnel (which gave a great leg work out by the way;) and we come out crawling. Oh yeah, I think I forgot to mention....we were in skirts. At lunch instead of chilling at our normal places we decide to go to where some friends always hangout, they do the craziest shit, they wanted to kill a jackrabbit then they started playing dodge ball with a bunch of tennis balls. You see, this is what happens when you take their skateboards away. The office did actually. Then........there comes after school. Wow. I always get these weird adrenaline rushes when I feel something is going to happen. I call them my feelings, they're the only "gut feelings" that have NEVER proved me wrong. I'm thinking I got this feeling because something was going to go down on the blacktop so I tell everyone bye fast and I rush everyone to the bus. Turns out, the feeling wasn't to be felt on the blacktop, it was on the bus. I'm waling up the steps and Daisy turns around and says "He's here." I think and think and then I know who. I look at the back of the bus and there he is with his annoying hoodie. Kill me now. The one school related place where I never see him, he's there. He has just attacked my No-No-Zone and somehow made ME feel uncomfortable. Like by him just being here, he owns it now, now its not him entering my zone its me entering his. I sit down and I feel eyes on me and I just want to yell and get out of there.My friend Miranda puts on the earphones one in my ear another one in hers and we start blasting out to I Don't Care by Panic! At The Disco.I'm sitting there praying maybe they'll get off at the first stop with two of their friends........no. Okay well it has to be the second one and Sweet Jesus Christ he does. I swear I couldn't even look at him. He's that one guy I talked about and ugh I feel so weird. I get like  a mix of I want to punch you in the face, along with stop being everywhere, along with why did it end, along with a bunch of stuff. I can't describe it. It's pretty fucking wack. So I'm pissed, I'm fucking pissed the rest of the way home. Then i get pissed off a little bit more because I have to walk today. Again, I hardly ever walk. Then I get home and my cousin is coming but I have to babysit. Great. Babysitting 9 kids, fun. So we're babysitting trying to get some fun up in this bitch but in the end we just end up having a smoke in my grandpa's mobile home. They left at 8 and said they would be home in 2 hours. Bullshit. They come home at 12:30 and what do you know, my mom is a little tipsy. Perfect. Not only that, she invites them to stay and have more drinks, more! Everybody leaves, she goes up to change my dad goes outside to have a smoke, but wait, just wait. You have to wait till everybody goes to bed for the real stuff to happen. For my mom to yell out accusations at my dad out loud, to get his attention. I wouldn't really be pissed off if my mom had never promised me she wouldn't get drunk again. After an incident we had in Canada she promised me she wouldn't drink like that and she has done it again. It wouldn't bother me, just don't promise me something you don't intend to keep just to make me feel better. I don't need that I would much rather you come and tell me I'm sorry it got out of hand but I honestly don't know if I will really be able to stop yet. That's all I need, I don't need empty promises. My dad came to talk to me this morning asking if i had heard anything my mom said and I told him I didn't, but i already know what she says, I know she accuses him of cheating. I also know that he once did, and that now he probably doesn't, there's always that doubt in my mom's head, and in mine, but now I don't care because honestly it's none of my business and so what if he does, he's still going to be my dad. I understand why my mom gets like that I just hate that my little sisters have to see her like that. I can handle it, bu then again I don't know about my middle sister. Things get to her easily and I don't want my mom to be one of them.

Not Right Now, Probably Not Ever....

So there's this one guy right, and it's a really complicated situation. If I said all of it now it would be a fucking book... Even though I'm only 15, I know I probably don't know what the fuck love is, but what i felt for him I know was different than what I had ever felt for a guy before. I called it love, it made sense to call it that. It didn't have to be like I'm going to marry you, have your babies, and grow old with you. It wasn't. I figured it was love because although he had treated me like shit before and said a bunch of hurtful things i still cared for him. Like when you don't feed your dog but he still greets you with his tail wagging? Yeah. He was actually the only guy I actually opened up to. He knew things that very few people know. I let him go deeper than any other guy and it just ended up biting me in the ass. Now I know that I can't do that anymore. He's seen that I'm vulnerable, he's seen the weak part of me and I really can't afford that. This is why I can't show or tell him that I still care for him. I can't let him know that. We would be on and off and on and off, and that was because I was always the one that ended up admitting that I still cared. This time though, I actually didn't care. We got "off" because when I asked him if this was even going anywhere he said he didn't plan on asking me out and that's when I knew I had to leave. I couldn't stay, it would be a waste of time, a waste of love, a waste of feelings, time, a waste of care. When I left though, it felt different. The first 2 weeks i didn't care for him, I really didn't. I don't know if it was because I was just too tired to care or I was too hurt that I turned numb. I didn't know and I didn't care, but I loved it. I loved not caring what the fuck he did or where he was. I LOVED IT. Then the days go by...it starts hurting....you start remembering...you start missing...you start to care. Now I know I care, and it kills me. It's killing me. I can't let him know though. I can't show him I'm weak, I can't let him see that I care, not right now, and probably not ever.

Life Goes On, Man.

Today was pretty chill. I went to a barbecue at my tia's house because it was my tio's birthday. i invited my best friend Daisy and we played some video games with my liddo cousin(x It was really relaxing and helped me forget all the negative shit in my life. I felt really free and like nothing was a problem. Right now I'm talking to another one of my bestfriends that goes to another school. I haven't seen her since FOREVER and i really miss her because we don't go to the same school anymore): It's really nice to Skype each other from time to time to catch up. I miss you, Sophia<3

Changes

So I kinda have decided to make changes in my life as of yesterday after i blogged. I got into a big fight with a friend and honestly it sucked. It's not easy pretending you're strong and everything is okay. I mean, loosing someone isn't that bad anymore, you get used to it. It's just you have to prepare, get ready for everything to change. It has to happen, it always will, change. you can't escape it, just accept that shit. The easiest way I have found to cope with change is just turn numb, you know? Not feel everything so much just let it happen, don't over think it, complain, just let it flow. I had already had problem with that friend, but I think that when something bad happens its to grow and get better. It's another one of those "moments" where you find out who your real friends are, where their loyalty lies. To me loyalty doesn't have to be that you tell me every single thing everybody says about me, because they will say stuff. They always do, somehow everything i do is known and i honestly don't mind. Loyalty is when you know FOR SURE that that friend will stick up for you or speak up when something that's not true is said. You could be friends with my enemy for all I care, as long as you have my back. It's also not keeping important stuff from each other, like things that could end up hurting the person in the end. There's always backstabbers, two faced people, shady people (that can be manipulated so easily), its just how it is. I don't want to sound like a heartless bitch, but you kinda just have to stand up, wipe the tears, suck it up, and not care. It's one of the changes I have decided to make.
(Video: Things Are Changing by Gary Clark Jr.)

Whatever, Fuck It.

So I'm back and right now I'm with Daisy:D My muthaeffin best friend! Mmmm this morning I wasn't sure if I could trust someone....I don't think I should say names. Except for Daisy:D Still, I wasn't sure if I can trust her because she isn't fully here. We have a group that we call the "Juicy Krew" and we added her but sometimes we question her loyalty because she isn't as close to us as we all are. Anyways, the drama is that one of my best friends well, ex best friends, claims to have been played by Daisy. Which cannot be true if he knew she wasn't going to go out with him. They had gone out like at the beginning of the year but that was it. After that they decided friends, then friends with benefits, then Daisy got so annoyed she just left it at nothing. And she told him that she didn't plan on going out with him, but still, he persisted. Today I had 9th period with him and i pretended he didn't exist, it got awkward.....Oh and Daisy's potential hookup turned out to be conceded and to be Lorenzo's cousin... u.u At the end of the day we said WHATEVER, FUCK IT and smashed confetti eggs on people's head, you know....something fun. Stupid drama....

Hi, I'm New...

Mmmm so I really don't know what this is going to turn out to be. I've never "blogged" before and I don't even know if I will keep up with this but oh well... I figured I should really consider this so I don't go around posting stuff I shouldn't on Facebook or going off on people too much, blogging seems healthier. I'm not even sure people will even care, are they supposed to? I think I'll use this as like a diary, maybe. I'll probably come home and write about tomorrow. Bye(: