So there's this one guy right, and it's a really complicated situation. If I said all of it now it would be a fucking book... Even though I'm only 15, I know I probably don't know what the fuck love is, but what i felt for him I know was different than what I had ever felt for a guy before. I called it love, it made sense to call it that. It didn't have to be like I'm going to marry you, have your babies, and grow old with you. It wasn't. I figured it was love because although he had treated me like shit before and said a bunch of hurtful things i still cared for him. Like when you don't feed your dog but he still greets you with his tail wagging? Yeah. He was actually the only guy I actually opened up to. He knew things that very few people know. I let him go deeper than any other guy and it just ended up biting me in the ass. Now I know that I can't do that anymore. He's seen that I'm vulnerable, he's seen the weak part of me and I really can't afford that. This is why I can't show or tell him that I still care for him. I can't let him know that. We would be on and off and on and off, and that was because I was always the one that ended up admitting that I still cared. This time though, I actually didn't care. We got "off" because when I asked him if this was even going anywhere he said he didn't plan on asking me out and that's when I knew I had to leave. I couldn't stay, it would be a waste of time, a waste of love, a waste of feelings, time, a waste of care. When I left though, it felt different. The first 2 weeks i didn't care for him, I really didn't. I don't know if it was because I was just too tired to care or I was too hurt that I turned numb. I didn't know and I didn't care, but I loved it. I loved not caring what the fuck he did or where he was. I LOVED IT. Then the days go by...it starts hurting....you start remembering...you start missing...you start to care. Now I know I care, and it kills me. It's killing me. I can't let him know though. I can't show him I'm weak, I can't let him see that I care, not right now, and probably not ever.
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