Been way too long.

    Well it's been forever. So much has happened since I last blogged its crazy. I didn't blog cuz I lost my profile for a while, buy damn it would have helped to have it. Soooooo during the month of  September & half of October. I was blazing everyday, 2 times a day. I was so out of it & I stopped giving a shit, even more than before..... Everyday was a blur, it started when I was going out with S___ & then I broke up with him, still doing it, then started to talk to C____ again.... & then I get kicked out. I was stoned as fuck so I just whipped it out & took a hit in class. The next morning we all go hot box the bathroom & when I get to school I'm called out saying someone snitched about what happened in the class & they search my bag & I'm arrested for possession of marijuana & paraphernalia & I get kicked out. I also got sent to Telles, the alternative school, for 30 days. I couldn't talk to my friends & it was HELL. I cried every night for 2 weeks. The crazy thing was that the one person I thought was for sure gunna forget me, didn't. C____ would call me & even asked my mom if he could visit, & she actually let him because he was "persistent" & he got me this big bear, & we went to the mall, & he asked me out, & he would come over every weekend, & we lasted for about a month, & then it was over. Honestly I think he's the one that got me through that rough time, if there is a God, he must have put me in my path because he was my only motivation at the time. I finally got to see my friends & go out at around January, when I went into Franklin & things had been getting better. Then that was when he broke up with me the. 2 weeks later we find out my mom has cancer & I'm just numb. My dad tells me not to hold in my pain, but I'm not. I think I was just just ignoring the bad shit until it got better & it is. I mean the tumor has gotten smaller, I see my TMECHS family every weekend, he broke up with that immature Frashman & we started talking again, & I'm kind of settling at Franklin. What can I say, shit happens, but I'm still blessed.

ADD?

ADD. i fucking hate those 3 letters put together. Ever since this summer, when I was "diagnosed". My whole life I have felt different, like something was kind of off in me. Nobody ever really thought it was ADD because, well I'm not really hyper, so everybody would just say i was really smart. I never really believed them because a smart person wouldn't have the stupid problems I have. Teachers would be like "oh she's very bright, has potential, she's gifted, blah blah blah..." but I always feel so stupid. I forget the important things and I remember the unimportant ones.  It's like so much bullshit is going through my mind that i just kind of like shut down sometimes. I get so frustrated with myself and so stressed i just shut down and decide not to care. And it frustrates me even more that my dad doesn't understand. He'll be like "How do you forget your hw?" and it's like "Gee dad I FUCKING WISH I KNEW." I just shut down. I have something due tomorrow and I'm already stressed (god knows why) so i just shut down and push it away and not care. Same as i do with my Quinceanera, same as I seem to do with everything else. It's so fucking stupid, I feel so fucking stupid all the time. I can't get normal things done that normal people do. If i talked about everything going on in my mind at the time you would think I'm crazy, or fucked up or something. I still do it sometimes though. Sometimes I blurt out things or just say shit straight up without thinking about it. sometimes I even do think about it but by the time I'm doing it, I already forgot what I thought about it. Even right now, or before, when I write my posts it's like I have so much shit jumbled up I can't even get it straight. It's like having thoughts in your head, all these thoughts in like a watter bottle, and they are all trying to get out of the opening at the same time. Like..idk..........bottleneck thoughts? Ask me how many fucking times I have to backspace because I stutter my letters or skip words.Ask me how hard it is to commit to an activity, a project, a person. It's hard. I haven't talked to my bestfriend from last year in 3 months. Unless I see that person like everyday it is very difficult to commit to keeping up with them. I have to be really interested in something to commit to it. It's all fucked up, all of it, like my mom is like well you have to have a timer or some special treatment like that and i fucking hate it. Sure it might help me, but like I feel stupid, i feel  like I'm not normal. That's it i guess..........

This One Is For You C:

Omg so my bestfriend Victor!Cx You were probably one of the last people I would have thought would become one of my bestfriends, but you did and I'm glad(: Now I can't imagine not talking to you! You're so abusive hahaha(x i love how when you talk about something embarrassing you just get all quiet and smile with your dimples!!Cx  So far you have been there when I needed someone, and that's pretty amazing(: you also have to be there for your child's development!!;) Lol, watch me name him like Jerome or some random ass shit(x I can't go a day without saying at least one word to you or I will feel so empty:O I love how you always say Goodnight, and your hugsC: I'm all small and I feel even smaller in your arms, and all safe too(x Like you're my teddy bear as of now(x So since your took the time to read my other post this one is just for youC: i love you Victor<3

Scared Shitless.

I am fucking scared. I am so scared of falling for a guy it's not even funny. I know how it is. I finally let myself fall in love but nobody is ever there to catch me. I'm scared of feeling shit for a guy. On Friday, I was texting this guy and he was like "It's 11:11" so i made a wish.... My wish was: For once in my life I want to be loved. not liked, not "checked out" not admired. I just want to be loved. All I need is a sign that it's possible for someone to possibly love me. There is much more meaning to that wish than you could think. I might be attractive, hell i could have the perfect body, but that's not ever enough. I want to know what it is like to be loved. To feel amazingly comfortable and attractive around someone. Shit, I always doubt love. Like does that shit even exist? I thought I felt it like twice. If felt different, but I learned that's not love. Love isn't supposed to fucking hurt right? It's supposed to be fucking amazing, but it's not. How people say you have to work on relationships, and you have to do this and shit for stuff to work. Well what do you do when you're the only one trying to make things work? You drop all those fucking feelings and you walk away. It's horrible walking away knowing they won't even ask you to come back. Like it was never shit, like everything you ever fucking sacrificed and did for that other person didn't mean shit and it was a waste of time. How the fuck does someone expect the other person to be okay? Not only that, you walk away and they're mad. They're like "You're the one that walked away, you're the one that gave up." You don't give up on something that didn't exist. Don't fucking say it's my fault because I walked away, maybe you pushed me away. I don't fucking think it's fair that because of them, I can't believe in shit anymore. Because of you, I have this thicker shield, this bigger wall. I'm scared that maybe there is this perfect guy waiting to love me, but I have this huge ass wall I built to keep myself from getting hurt, that maybe I can't see him and I'm keeping him out. I wasn't like this, it's been so much change. I'm scared to be courageous again, I'm scared of love.

Over Thinking My Natural Instinct.

So I am really confused. I'm always making myself feel better by saying it will all get better, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. But I don't know if I'm still in the tunnel or if I've reached the light. If i have reached the light then I'm disappointed. I'm not fighting with my parents, I'm not grounded, i have no boy problems, and my fried problems aren't problems to me. If the light is peace, then peace is boring...... Even hippies couldn't have possibly been at peace, they were protesting for peace, hey were fighting for it in their hearts so they couldn't have been at peace. Why? Because peace is shit, I mean if this is what peace is. Like there is no purpose. Every day I wake up and my thoughts are: "Ima wear this to remind him what he gave up" or "Ima bring my game face on to show her not to mess with me" or " Let's put on extra makeup in case i meet a cute guy" Things that would provoke something. Things that would cause ripples. Like when you put your finger on the water and it ripples and hits something else. Like that, i can't live my life in still water. all my life, Ive had to cause waves, ripples, tsunamis, something to make people notice me or never forget me. Right now though, i don't feel that need that has become so natural to me. Like I'm thinking too much about it that I don't know what to do. I'm over thinking my natural instinct.

Pause.

I have no picture but i just wanted to get this out here before I go to bed because going to bed with unfinished thoughts is bad. Ummm i feel like I'm waiting for something, and i really hate it. It's not like me to wait, but i can't do anything if i don't even know what it is that i am waiting for. Maybe I'm waiting for somebody to tell me something, for someone to do something, or maybe i am just waiting for a sign, anything. i feel like I'm stuck and I'm just waiting for a signal to move or react. like I'm in a race and I'm running in sand right now. Its weird, things happened so fast but they didn't cause an impact. This new guy, just kind of slid into my life without me noticing, my friends go through things and they kind of just happen without the big deal. As if I'm watching a silent movie in slow motion and I'm just there, watching. i have no part in the action, the reason, anything, i am just there, like as if I'm waiting for my cue. My time to go in the film.....Idk I'm going to go to bed now......

Better(:

I realized that I have unnecessary baggage on my shoulders that I shouldn't be carrying. I have these grudges that have no reason to be here. For one, that girl i was going to throw it down with, hasn't interfered in my life so i shouldn't mad dog her or start shit with her. As long as she don't mess with me, i won't mess with her. Same with Dr. Faggot, in fact I'll change his nickname to just Unknown. Why am i mad at him, no reason. He didn't want me, can't blame him. You can't make a person want you, so be it. I'm the one giving myself useless shit sometimes and I would rather not. I'm at a good point in my life. It's pretty weird, I'm not at all good with my family, I have no happy relationship with a guy, but I have my friends, i have my hookups, i have crazy adventures with them and its A M A Z I N G. You just have to make the best of things, even if you're at this school, even if the world is so fucked up there is no words for it, you make the most out of it. You can't be perfect, but you can change the way you see things, so that everything looks so imperfectly perfect, its fine(: