Scared Shitless.

I am fucking scared. I am so scared of falling for a guy it's not even funny. I know how it is. I finally let myself fall in love but nobody is ever there to catch me. I'm scared of feeling shit for a guy. On Friday, I was texting this guy and he was like "It's 11:11" so i made a wish.... My wish was: For once in my life I want to be loved. not liked, not "checked out" not admired. I just want to be loved. All I need is a sign that it's possible for someone to possibly love me. There is much more meaning to that wish than you could think. I might be attractive, hell i could have the perfect body, but that's not ever enough. I want to know what it is like to be loved. To feel amazingly comfortable and attractive around someone. Shit, I always doubt love. Like does that shit even exist? I thought I felt it like twice. If felt different, but I learned that's not love. Love isn't supposed to fucking hurt right? It's supposed to be fucking amazing, but it's not. How people say you have to work on relationships, and you have to do this and shit for stuff to work. Well what do you do when you're the only one trying to make things work? You drop all those fucking feelings and you walk away. It's horrible walking away knowing they won't even ask you to come back. Like it was never shit, like everything you ever fucking sacrificed and did for that other person didn't mean shit and it was a waste of time. How the fuck does someone expect the other person to be okay? Not only that, you walk away and they're mad. They're like "You're the one that walked away, you're the one that gave up." You don't give up on something that didn't exist. Don't fucking say it's my fault because I walked away, maybe you pushed me away. I don't fucking think it's fair that because of them, I can't believe in shit anymore. Because of you, I have this thicker shield, this bigger wall. I'm scared that maybe there is this perfect guy waiting to love me, but I have this huge ass wall I built to keep myself from getting hurt, that maybe I can't see him and I'm keeping him out. I wasn't like this, it's been so much change. I'm scared to be courageous again, I'm scared of love.